The only use for the word ‘blocked’ I have ever heard of is ‘writers block’. As I have never considered myself a writer, I never really gave the word much thought. Although I have been in a twelve-step recovery group since age 22, I had never heard this term used. Long about three years ago, I learned that a book I have carried for over 30 years in my bag of books to meeting after meeting (three meetings a week for many of those years) was the key that would unlock much of my sick and spiritually unhealthy thinking. The book is called, ‘Alcoholics Anonymous’ aka ‘The Big Book’.
I’m not an Alcoholic (I don’t think I am, as after one night of drinking with the sole purpose of finding out what it would feel like to be drunk, I was left with the memory of my head in the toilet and never wanted to drink again!). I am not a drug addict. So why do I need that book? I prayed for a sponsor. Shortly after, a woman came and asked me, ‘Can I be your sponsor’? She didn’t call herself ‘a Christian’ and I was challenged by more than a book! With an open mind, I ventured forth. After a brief time (just a few weeks), the subject of getting unblocked came up as she said, ‘Sally, I think you’re blocked.’
The interesting thing about getting ‘Un-blocked’ is that you don’t usually see that you need to get un-blocked on your own. If you don’t know that you are blocked, you won’t do something about it. So how do you figure out that you are blocked? That is the tricky part. For me, it started with an open mind. She said she thought I was blocked so maybe I was. Her religion was very eclectic and although she was raised in a Christian home, she was not what I am nor does she believe as I do. Could I trust her thinking to guide me to God? Am I risking my salvation? If I am blocked, am I saved? One thing I knew was: the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different outcomes! So my willingness was large since I was 250 pounds and desperate.
She asked me to write letters to God and email them to her. My first letter was angry and rude and I told God what He already knew! (You perceive my thoughts from far away! Psalm 139:1&2). I was speaking to God with an honesty I had never tried! I said, “God, I am so mad at you!!!” And I started to cry, flooded by years of memories of disappointment. I remembered the last time I spoke to God. It had been over ten years ago and while on my knees, I had just wept. And every time I tried to pray, I would put myself in His throne room in my mind and weep. I couldn’t get past my weeping. And so, one day, I got up and walked away. I stopped talking to God. I weighed 137 pounds then. Oh, there was the fleeting thought about prayer and I went to church but my focus was the lending library, the bookstore, the coffee shop, the guitar players and the new songs I could learn. And I was intellectually stimulated by the sermon and did bow my head when they prayed. But I held myself at bay from God until that morning and that first letter.
Now, at 248 pounds, about 15 years later, I said, “God! I’m mad at you!” and I heard, in a still small voice in my mind, “I know.”
He knows (Ex. 33:17, 2 kings 19:27,28, Isa 37:28). He always knew. He waited for me, like the gentleman He is! (‘The Lord, The Lord God…. merciful and gracious… long-suffering, abounding in goodness and grace’. Exodus 34:6) And I became un-blocked that day. The walls within crumbled. I was speaking to God with my full heart and willing to pause and ponder and pray and hear what He might say to me in the stillness of my thoughts.
Lord, You are a good God! You are no ‘Darth Vader!’ You are loving and kind and long-suffering in all my raging and expectations. Thank you for loving me through it all. Like a child in a fifteen-year temper tantrum, I stopped ranting long enough to use my words and speak my truth. And You, Creator of the universe and of my finite mind, did forgive my questioning of your right to Lead in my life! I have played God and judged you (“Mene, Mene, Tekel, Upharsin,” which means you have been weighed in the balance and found wanting. Dan. 5:25). I walked away after years of wondering how anyone could leave You. You stood by, waiting for my mind to turn back to You. You were always there. Psalm 139:7,8,9
Your very own,
For I know the plans I have for you, declares The Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you hope and a future, a bright and promising future! Jeremiah 29:11