Again and again, I experience mountain tops with God where I’m so happy, joyous and free!
But then, the valleys roll in, periods of being blocked which feel more like a clogged emotional drain pipe. How do I get back to the high places? Is it just Prayer that gets me there? What happens if my prayers are blocked? What if it’s hard to pray? Why is it hard to go to God and tell Him what’s bothering me, give Him my struggles? Is it my ego? Is it my self-reliance? I hate that I need God, You or anybody! I feel vulnerable in admitting “need” as apposed to pulling up my boot straps!
Isn’t this the heart of idolatry? That we turn to anything that will provide distraction and comfort so that we don’t have to go to God? And it doesn’t really work. I love the way the AA Big Book says it: “…we believe there is no middle-of -the-road solution. We were in a position where life was becoming impossible….(Pg. 25) ” Here is the bottom line. We reach the end of self and we are desperate to feel better and find relief from fear and fatigue and an emotional release from what ever is making us restless, irritable and discontent. Where can you turn? I believe that that is why we are here on this planet. To resolve this quandary: how will we handle the “position” where life becomes impossible? You are out of answers and out of solutions and you are at the end of your resources and strength (both physical and emotional). Know what I mean? You have reached the end of the ally: ‘Now what?
The Big Book continues to say, …”and if we had passed into the region from which there is no return through human aid, we had but two alternatives: One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could (get drunk or numb on ‘something!’) and the other (door number two), to accept spiritual help.” (Pg. 25). This is the truth! This happens to me still! The idol I’m struggling with right now is “media”. Thats looks so much more classy than just saying, T.V. Although, I have turned off the cable television, Netflix, and am determined to avoid the library as it is another free resource for movie watching, there is always YOU Tube! And since I own such a smart tv, I can see all sorts of things (Most recently, “Little House on the Prairie”) as they have free movies too. You may ask, so? What’s wrong with that?
Nothing for you, but my eating and binging disorder has always, from the first day I can remember, been t.v. and the binge! Since the beginning of time, when faced by PAIN, physical or emotional, distraction has been a viable method of dealing with pain; it’s even acknowledged in the medical world. People use all sorts of things to ‘make them feel better’. The obvious and well known choices are drugs, alcohol, gambling, and food. More and more I am seeing the connection. Television, movies, and all aspects of media are another ‘drug of choice’. And here comes football season! UGH!!! I love watching football! I love the excitement, the suspense, the cute heart throbs (I won’t start naming my secret fantasy “wish HE were my husband” football players!
Its all about step one! I’m powerless. I know it and just as I turn to God for a healthy relationship with food and the willingness to turn to God for comfort and companionship, here too, I have the choice to:
Step 1: Admit it, I need You, God…. Sally is my problem and the TV is just another way to run from you, another symptom (like the food), another choice: turn to you? or turn the tv on!
Step 2: I believe that you can fix (restore me to sanity and balance) this too! I’m willing to surrender this problem to you as well. Thy will be done!
Step 3: Turn! (In this case, turn OFF the tv!) Once again, like a lot of other people who are cross addicted, I have put the food down and now struggle with this behavior. Thank you, Lord, that my alternative is not “shopaholic”! I’m turning to you, again, with regard to the television and movie watching and I’m choosing to turn my will and my life and my time and choices all over to you. Thy will, not mine, be done! In the end, it looks like I will be compulsive about God! My son-in-law has already intimated that I’m like a stalker with God; talking about him, to him where ever I can. I do love God; do I love him enough to live my life as He would have me? It means asking tough questions, “How would you like me to spend this spare time?” “What should I do now?” ‘Oh, not watch tv?’
Life is fragile, handle with prayer. Anonymous
Life; the time God gives us to decide
how we will spend eternity.