is for new beginning. Perhaps it’s because so much of our early lives are spent in school. It seems to me that September and more specifically, the day after Labor Day, should be ‘New Year’s Day’ for the world. Starting school, starting a new job, or just the end of vacationing all summer and “buckling down” to dig in and push forward on a special project at work or home: because we are trained to make a beginning in September. What ever it is, there is energy in the air (could be the heat is letting up and we all have more energy!)
I, too, am making a new beginning. I have struggled for the past year “in the food”. I was slipping and sliding in June of last year and even before that. “Safe food”, or at least I thought it was safe food, was turning into a problem. Food was subtly turning from gray to technicolor and life was turning gray from technicolor. I learned this year that sloppy eating is home base for the slippery slope that leads to the quick sand of binge eating. I have had two months of abstinence here and there and days of abstinence, but felt that I was in thick, so very dense woods and was caught!
I am finally out of the woods and would like to share me journey going forward, now that I can think straight!
For today, I would just like to speak to trying to control (other wise known as ‘damage control’) my eating…something I have struggled with most of my life. Here is what I have learned so far:
I have no control when it comes to food… I have no control when it comes to life…. I have no control when it comes to other people…. And sadly, In most ways, I have no control when it comes to me. I need God in my life. He made/created me to need Him.
Last night, I was thinking about the fact that I haven’t had coffee or tea (caffeine) or soda, or kombucha (a probiotic juice/drink), or cheese (dairy), sugar or flour in 5 days. It shocked me when I started to think about it and then I felt a panic! Don’t think about it, you’ll jinx yourself, you’ll stumble, you’ll ruin it! I have danced around these foods and tried to let them go for so long and more! The television, this addiction too has been lifted. Of my self, I couldn’t do it! I have focused, with the encouragement of my friends and loved ones (my friends are also included in my loved ones), to “CONNECT WITH GOD!” I thought I was! But not in the same way I am now.
Then, something happened. I started to think about my years in 12 step recovery and the times I have been really free from food obsession. I scanned the years and found that It was only when I was weighing and measuring my food daily that I was really free. I didn’t balk when this thought came to me. Not everyone needs the level of accountability and structure around food that I do. I just have to keep it clean, no grazing, no tastes of this or that, no sloppiness! Because sloppiness is home base for the mudslide into the mental twists that start up, the perseverating thoughts and the internal preoccupation of eating, and ultimately, binging.
For the past year, I have been so focussed on giving up cheese (a big problem apparently) and what I can’t or shouldn’t eat and drink; on what my food should or shouldn’t be. Now, suddenly, I’m focusing on what is MY FOOD… pausing at times to say,”That’s not mine, this is my food.”
In the past I would be resentful if any mention was made to give up komboucha. I would think, ‘But it’s healthy… it’s a probiotic”. But I have committed to drinking one and then had two and then had my daughters left over that she didn’t finish. Not anymore. I don’t want to tease my taste buds with any sweet juice.
Surrender…. The opposite of control. I’m so grateful to God for where I am today. Willing, honest, and clean measurements. I tell people, “I’m self contained” (something a precious sponsor used to say to me.) I bring my food with me and leave the food out of the equation. Where ever I’m going, I bring my food and don’t eat out (that would be sloppy as I don’t know what’s in it.) And once a week, I schedule meal preparation. It is the most important part of keeping it clean. Preparedness!
I have no control when it comes to food , so I surrender.Yet another oxymoron in twelve step recovery. We have to surrender to win!
The following link is to a favorite song of mine for many years. The lyrics make me cry. And it’s because it’s so true! I hope you’ll close your eyes and listen.